3rd update

nikki york, jun 10th, 2020 (draft)

I feel crazy.

I genuinely feel crazy. hell, I’m shaking a bit as I write this. Red was much worse than I thought. Granted? I didn’t know what I was supposed to be expecting from it, aside from a normal album release- and maybe? Dove ending his career, which like. Considering his success, I wouldn’t blame him- I’m sure he has one hell of a retirement fund.

Or so I thought. I so, so, foolishly believed him!!! So did Rosie, because I bet not even she knows about this. I’m actually a bit scared, and in denial this is real, but I stole the usb. I don’t think this is some sort of prank, because it’s in such bad taste I doubt even Dove would innocently come up with something like this. This feels deliberate. It makes sense- Rosie, and even He himself said he liked to budget frequently, and live like- frugally. Maybe a bit weird for a celebrity with as much as he makes, but now it makes sense.

He’s digging a tunnel underground the Courtyard, and building a pseudo-deathtrap to essentially escape into obscurity with after FAKING HIS DEATH??? WHICH IS SO FUCKING CRAZY???

Della says he’s gone insane. I don’t want to, but I really believe them. This makes all of his planning make sense. His identity hiding is all part of creating something he can kill off. If anyone knows how beloved of an idol Dove is, it’s me. and im completely sick over the thought of how many people will be. crushed by this. HELL!! maybe literally!!! i doubt an ex child star has ANY real knowledge of SAFE DEATH TRAPS.
but then again!!! what do I really know about him anyway!!!

i want to be mad.

i want to be so so angry, but im so scared, and fuck.
i feel bad. i pity him, but it’s like watching a dumpster fire, realizing how big it is and how late you are to stop it. like what do you even do? he has good intents but the worst execution!! from listening to his demos, i think i understand what he’s trying to say. i know what he wants to change, and it’s true- this blog has taken over my life, and while so much is nice. even Rosie says its not the best way to live, and does affect me more than i think. i just. brush it off because it works. so like. thats what counts? thats just social media, i dont think this. will like. change the way everything has grown to work. as much as it could be better. i dont know. della had a good point, im just worried about him now too, because he isn’t taking it great.

victory has since been edited from its original draft. some lyrics have changed, and if it was a normal album, i’d believe it being one of the bigger singles. but then again- this isn’t a normal album.
most of it together sounds like, a hidden message. there’s a verse in it that doesn’t make a lot of sense and probably IS a hidden message. im still cracking it.

the demo
the lyrics transcribed

i still don’t understand any of this, im trying to. i want to. i have questions but im upset knowing the answer is just. all of this. but why dove?? why all of this. della was worried about him, and he didnt want to talk to her, nor according to della has he talked to lissy. at least as himself!! because dove and lissy worked together a few times. like the amount of crazy this is. i dont. i dont know.

is rosie the only person who knew he was kris? i assume so, but i know rosie wouldn’t be ok with this, so shes probably just as in the dark as everyone else. i dont want to think of a world where she agreed to this. so she was probably lied to too.

im rambling alot but theres just too much going on in my head, and what do i care anyway. its my private blog, no one will see this. its just a space to decompress. i haven’t seen rosie for a bit, now that i think of it, she seemed on edge so i might just talk to her tomorrow, its getting late and i need a hot shower and maybe a good scream. id put on green but now everything just feels. wrong.